Semakin aku menua semakin sadar, ada kalanya aku merasa mungkin aku terlalu sering berkecamuk di kepala sendiri. Tidak pernah ada dialog dengan orang di sekitarku, aneh rasanya bertukar pikiran dengan orang-orang di sekitarku.
Semakin dewasa juga semakin aku menyadari, banyak yang aku rasa memang perlu dibenahi. Kekurangan aku lebih banyak dibanding kelebihanku, sedangkan ego-ku menginginkan aku lebih daripada orang lain, tetapi apa saja yang sudah pernah kucapai? Practically non-existent.
I’m saying this in the most observant and not based on my feelings or trying to belittle myself at all, I’m saying this in the most objective way.
I’m observing myself.
about how i intertwined with friends
college best friends and high school best friends
Today, I was fairly upset because my friend seemed to cancel my plan to join a certain organization. The chronology was she told me what has she been doing lately, she told me she joined few organizations, she offered me to join her organization and I was delighted. She even offered to let me in without any need to fill out the form as she would include me in the already existing position already. Which I did. I didn’t sign up through the form or formal interview.
As I saw the closing recruitment, I asked my friend. What about me? Is it really alright to get in without filling the form? She left me on seen. I’m not gonna lie, I was really furious. But I already noticed one of my very big flaws including me being really reactive as a person, hence I just left another message. Why did you left me on read?
She didn’t respond until recently, I asked again on personal message. She said there’s an influx in the people who wants to join through formal meeting as she would tell me the future follow up of my fate.
Not gonna lie, I really had a feeling that this is coming. I’m not as upset as I was before, I cried this morning but after she gave me her reply I began to expect less.
I experienced this before but it really has been numerous time already. I keep falling into the same trap. One of my friend asked me for my poem that I treasure a lot as she said she would include it in her newspaper organization. Anxiously I gave it to her. I never wanted to give my poems but I mustered up the courage, I want to be seen and heard. Hence I give it to her. Months came by and she never posted it in her newspaper. I’m really hurt by this actually.
And as coincidence, as I was scrolling through my instagram feed, I saw some sayings:
NEVER PUT TOO MUCH TRUST IN FRIENDS.
INSTEAD LEARN HOW TO USE ENEMIES.
Friend will betray you more quickly, since they are easily aroused to envy. But instead hire a former enemy and he will be more loyal than a friend, because he has more to prove.
I really should take notes of this since not gonna lie, the way my friends treating me has been really shitty lately.
Which is also my fault because I’m really picky in befriending someone but as I realized, why did I befriended people that are so useless for me and contribute nothing at all to my life?
I am reviewing myself as I realized I am really picky at befriending people and honestly, not in a good way.
I feel like I’m better than anyone else and hence I didn’t want to befriend people that are not pretty, I am a social climber and I like being seen around “the cool kids” a lot. This is really embarrassing to admit but I have just realized that recently.
Honestly, to some people, they could really relate to me. Being seen as the cool kids is boosting my ego. But little do they know I got my self-esteem hurt a lot because the cool kids are the cool kids, befriending them makes me kinda exhausted as the things they value are very different with what I value.
I did not enjoy the company of a man nor do I love the talks of dating. All they talk about is themselves. I’m tired of it. I had few friends that liked to put down people so much while lifting themselves up but I was really confused, why do people suck up to them a lot? What am I missing?
It’s fairly not as easy as I would tell myself to cut them off because they seem to reach out to me out of the few people that reached out to me. I practically have close to zero friends. They talk to me when they are at their lowest, not on their high. It’s really not hard to realize this but I need them too, as I didn’t have any other friends since I’m picky and I loved that they are popular.
I really have to fix this. I should stop being so dependent of people. It’s easy to say that they are dependent of me as I was their therapist friend, but looking at other angles I needed them too. I was dependent of them too while them giving me almost the bare minimum.
They have money and status but I did not, and I really wanted both of the things that they had. And they are pretty and charismatic, I could make a study on how one of them are objectively not on a pretty spectrum but very charismatic around boys and mostly because of course of her status and she was filthy rich. You know how people can still be tacky even if they’re rich? She’s not like that at all. Her instagram feed is pleasant to be seen, she knows all the good places to hang out, she have multiple connection and she was the younger sister of a social media influencer.
On to the next topic on how I handle this situation I’m currently facing: I feel so alone. I feel friendless.
As of now, the first lesson I learned is to not to be overly dependent of my friends. Expect less from them. Seek things that would busy you in a way that you enjoy.
Try to make yourself wanted. Make yourself wanted. Needed. Be the person people can rely on in a good way. Be the most booked person.
Stop being so reactive and try to avoid negativity. Even if you have already seen the negativity, try your best to don’t react to it.
Be patient.
Jatinangor, 8 June 2022.
Raw and unedited
